How to Speak Up without Triggering Defensiveness
A Stoic approach to nonviolent communication.
Calling out someone for being spoiled and insufferable won’t always end as well as it did for Elizabeth Bennet in Pride and Prejudice (see part 1 of this post – The Truth about Mr. Darcy). Fortunately for us, there are communication frameworks we can use to have better conversations with people.
Nonviolent communication is a framework developed by psychologist Marshall Rosenberg that helps people manage conflict without attacking the other person.
Expressing feelings and needs
Nonviolent communication is a very Stoic way of interacting because it blends caring and connection with openness and accepting emotional responsibility for yourself. Instead of blaming someone for how you feel, you share you own needs and values.
So instead of saying, “You made me so angry” or “You’re such a jerk,” you could share how a specific situation or action makes you feel.
For example, “When you say that you’re willing to overlook my family’s inferior station in life, I feel upset. It makes me think that you value the opinion of strangers more than you would the character of your own wife. It’s important to me to marry someone who shares my values and has empathy for others.”
Observations without judgment
Nonviolent communication gets us in the habit of making objective observations (stating facts) without layering on judgments.
This is especially helpful if the other person is upset. You won’t win them over by doubling down on your argument. They need to feel safe to speak their mind.
Before you share your side of things, try listening to what the other side is saying.
Reflect back what you’re hearing in your own words, trying to truly understand what they’re saying.
In the book, after Elizabeth’s refusal, Darcy snaps back, “Could you expect me to rejoice in the inferiority of your connections? To congratulate myself on the hope of relations, whose condition in life is so decidedly beneath my own?”
He’s embarrassed and angry – many psychologists say anger is a secondary emotion that serves as a coping mechanism for another emotion like sadness or shame.
Elizabeth, using a nonviolent communication approach, might have responded:
“I hear you. It sounds like you’re worried that we come from very different worlds. You’re right – your family is more connected than mine and has more money. A relationship between us would be more complicated because of family and societal expectations. All of that is true. And I also believe people who share the same values can overcome many things.”
Notice the use of “and” instead of “but.” That’s the “yes, and” approach from improv: building on what’s been said rather than shutting it down. Nonviolent communication emphasizes avoiding “but” because it often negates everything that came before in the listener’s mind.
Requests not demands
A final thing I’ll mention about nonviolent communication is that it’s about making requests instead of telling people what to do. So it’s not, “If you don’t come to dinner at my parents every Sunday, then I’m breaking up with you” – that’s a threat.
A request would be, “It would mean a lot to me if you got to know my family better. Would you be willing to have dinner with them on Sunday?”
And they have the right to say no. Of course, it’s nice to have a partner who will do the things that matter most to you, so decide what those are. What are your non-negotiables and what can you let slide? Set standards for yourself and communicate them. Find people who want to be a part of your world.
Summary
The next time you’re tempted to avoid a tough talk – or to fight – remember that honest communication – delivered with courage and care – has the power to transform your relationship.
Darcy became a great man because Elizabeth opened his eyes to the fact that he was spoiled. She told him off and that worked in this instance, but often this backfires.
For a more Stoic way to manage conflict, try nonviolent communication:
Make observations without adding in your interpretations of what’s happened. You can, of course, share your side of the story, but don’t lead with assumptions, especially when they’re negative.
Identify and express your feelings without blaming others.
Say what’s important to you and why. What do you need?
Make specific, actionable requests instead of demands.
Even if this feels awkward or clunky at first, that’s okay. Courage isn’t about perfection – it’s about practicing new ways of relating, one small step at a time.
What conversation in your life could benefit from this approach? Where could you start practicing? If you’d like bonus material on how to manage conflict better using nonviolent communication, go to stoicwellbeing.com/Darcy