The Wrong Way to Listen
There are four ways to practice adaptive listening. Most of us only use one.
Years ago, my grandmother asked me to edit a poem of hers. While she was many things – a restaurant owner, a politician, an animal rescuer, a dancer, a mender of clothes – she wasn’t, as far as I knew, someone who explored traditionally creative pursuits.
She wanted to submit her poem to Reader’s Digest, and I wanted to help. I had degrees in journalism and creative writing and wrote and edited for a living. While she hosted dinner parties to show people love; I edited CVs and anything else word-related. So I took out my red pen and slashed it through her only copy, murdering all her darlings.
I gave her what she asked for. But today I wonder if this is what she really wanted. Maybe she wanted simple tweaks or praise or a blessing.
I wish I’d been more curious. What would she have said if I’d asked, “What inspired you to write this? Have you written other things?” I don’t remember asking.
Sometimes, even when we think we’re listening, we’re not listening in the way that’s most useful for the person or situation.
Turns out there’s not just one way to listen – there are four, at least according to Maegan Stephens and Nicole Lowenbraun, authors of Adaptive Listening: How to Cultivate Trust and Traction at Work.
Four kinds of adaptive listening
You may have heard of active listening – making eye contact, not interrupting, paraphrasing what you’ve heard. This shows you’re paying attention and helps the other person feel heard.
Stephens and Lowenbraun say we also need to practice adaptive listening, which recognizes the kind of attention the person needs. Everyone has a goal when they speak to us, and our job, according to the authors, is to listen in one of the four ways that help them achieve that goal.
Their framework is called SAID – because “at work, and in life, you’re always listening to what is said and what’s not said.” SAID stands for support, advance, immerse, and discern.
Support listening is when someone needs to feel heard. You’re validating, not solving – like when your direct report comes to you after a project gets killed and needs you to acknowledge the loss before talking about what’s next.
Advance listening is when you’re listening to move something forward – like when a cross-functional team has been rehashing the same three options for a week and someone needs to say, “Here’s what I’m hearing. Let’s go with option two and revisit in 30 days.”
Immerse listening is when you’re there to learn, not to provide input – like sitting in on your first meeting with a new client and realizing the smartest move is to ask questions and take notes.
Discern listening is when someone needs your critical eye – like when your colleague shares a draft of a proposal and says, “Be honest – is this ready to send?”
Where we go wrong with listening
The authors say you should always practice support listening, and you can layer the other types on top of it as needed. Support listening is related to active listening in that it’s the why (validation) behind the how (paraphrasing, etc).
I’m reminded of a friend who believes writing reviews is a civic duty. She tried to convince me to join her in her crusade to take down bad restaurants.
“No, I’m not going to do that,” I said (OK, busted, this is obviously a family member I’m talking to. Haha). ”I’m sick of everyone rating and reviewing everything. Often it’s unfair, people are jealous, people are getting paid to write a good or bad review. I don’t like this system.”
“You’re not validating me.”
“No, I’m not going to validate you. I don’t like this review-based world. It’s getting too Black Mirror.”
Oops. She’d wanted some support listening or credit regarding the good work she felt she was doing. Instead of saying, “Tell me more,” I started critiquing the whole premise of online reviews.
If I’d practiced support listening and active listening, maybe she would have been open to hearing my broader thoughts on review culture. Or maybe not. But leading with my worldview when she wanted to feel heard was not helpful.
When someone asks for the wrong kind of listening
The trickier version of this mismatch is when the speaker themselves is asking for the wrong kind of listening.
If you’re a coach or consultant or any kind of business owner, once in awhile you’ll experience a client who’s asking for one thing when you know something else is what will really help them achieve their goals.
I once worked with a client who’d taken time off due to burnout. When we first met, she talked about how overwhelmed she was now that she was back at work. She spoke with an urgent energy. She had epic to-do lists. She said she wanted help with organization and time management.
As we talked, her real issue surfaced: She didn’t need a better system – she needed to overcome her compulsion to check email and Teams every few minutes. She described taking a sick day, then checking her work messages until 9 p.m. anyway because she couldn’t tolerate the anxiety of being unreachable or out of the loop.
Support listening meant slowing down with her down – letting her talk it all out, asking questions that will generate her own insight, and sitting in the discomfort of the real problem with her.
One question to change the way you listen
While frameworks like SAID can be helpful, at the heart of listening is something simpler: The people in front of us are more than the questions they ask or the requests they make.
To give them what they need, the authors of Adaptive Listening say we need to ask ourselves a question that’s familiar to any good friend or coach: What does this person need from me in this moment?
The mismatch between your default mode of listening and someone else’s need is where most listening failures happen.
My grandmother is gone now. I don’t know what she would have said if I’d paused before picking up the red pen. Maybe she just wanted the edit. I wish I’d slowed down long enough to listen in a different way.
Next time someone comes to you with a problem, a story, or a request, try pausing before you respond. Ask yourself: are they looking for support, momentum, understanding, or feedback? You won’t always get it right. But pausing will keep you aligned with your purpose.
Sarah Mikutel is a coach living in England and working with clients around the world. www.sarahmikutel.com