When Life Gets Messy

4 Stoic solutions to manage (real or imagined) conflict.

As my key turns in the door, my heart swells with sleepy joy. I’ll soon be in my own bed.

Getting from my family’s house in New England to my one-bedroom flat in Old England takes about 20 hours of trains, planes, automobiles, security, and passport control. 

So when my artist friend, Joe, who’d stayed at my place, texted that he’d cleaned my carpet as a way to say thanks, I imagined walking into a sparkling apartment and fresh linens to sink into.

But as soon as I open the door, I know something is wrong. 

My vegetarian home reeks of fish. I’m not sure if it’s cooking residue or the big black garbage bag leaking in the kitchen. 

Dishes wait for me in the sink. Coconut oil smears the knives and spoons left on the counter. Onion peels and other scraps litter the floor like peanut shells at a dive bar. 

The scene reminds me of the time a squirrel slid down my grandmother’s chimney and went berserk in her house, chewing up her wooden banister along with some carrots. 

I’m not a neat freak. My motivation to clean usually comes when I’m procrastinating on something else. But this is too much even for me.

I put my shoes back on and walk the trash to the community bins. Then, instead of going to sleep, I get on my hands and knees and scrub the stench out of the wood flooring of my tiny kitchen. 

So what am I going to say to Joe about this? 

Challenge your immediate reaction

I’m a pretty chill person, but there was a time when I would have flipped out over this situation. 

“WTF were you thinking leaving my place like that?! That is so disrespectful!” is what I would have thought in my mind. 

But being highly conflict-avoidant, I would have either said nothing, talked shit behind his back, or never spoken to him again. 

Stoicism has taught me this isn’t a rational response. 

When we get mad at someone, we often don’t explore why we’re angry. Instead, when triggered, we make snap judgments and declare someone’s an asshole. 

Stoicism tells us to:

• pause,

• get curious about our thoughts; and 

• observe the bigger picture. 

Here are some dirty kitchen thoughts:

“He thinks he can take advantage of me.”

“He doesn’t respect me.” 

“He doesn’t care about our friendship.” 

“He used me.”  

Stoicism tells us to: 

• challenge the truth of these first impressions, and 

• accept or reject them based on rational thinking. 

How you choose to think about your circumstance will determine your emotional state. 

Don’t assume ill intent

My response to the Joe situation intrigues me. I’m not mad. OK, I was a little annoyed when I first walked in and it stunk, but I’m not furious. I don’t take the state of my apartment as a personal attack, as if Joe’s trying to hurt me. 

I’m more curious, like, “What was going on in his mind to leave the place like this?”

Taking a moment to reflect, I know the mess has nothing to do with his respect for me. Most likely he was either careless or running to catch a train. Either way, it has nothing to do with my character. 

And zooming out, it’s not a big deal. No one bombed my home. 

But I feel I should say something to Joe. First, I have to figure out:

• why I want to say something and 

• what outcome I want. 

While a tiny part of me wants to tell him off, that’s not a good reason to talk to someone. I don’t want the purpose of what I say to be unkind. 

A better reason: to help Joe preserve future relationships by understanding he should clean up after himself, in my opinion at least. 

He texts me, and here’s how I respond:

Hey, mate. Thanks so much for cleaning the carpet, a task I wouldn’t have done myself. I don’t want you to think I don’t appreciate your effort. 

But when I came back, I was surprised to find a bag of open garbage in my kitchen and food on the counter and on the floor. I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt that you were running to catch a train and didn’t have time to clean. 

I’m telling you this because I know you respect other people and the next time you stay at someone’s place I don’t want you to give them the wrong impression. 

I’m glad you relaxed while you were here and hope your week is off to a good start x

A few minutes later, Joe writes back and apologizes. He hadn’t known where to put the garbage. I accept and we move on with life. 

Engage instead of withdrawing

I’m still surprised by how fast conflicts can be resolved through dialogue.

As an introverted Enneagram 9, I agonize when relationships feel out of alignment. Historically, I tried ignoring this kind of discomfort, but it would loop anxiously in the back of my mind. 

As a communication coach, I’ve learned what to say during uncomfortable conversations. 

But it’s Stoicism that gave me the courage to say the words, and the wisdom to see that my interpretation of events is mine alone.

Was my conflict with Joe real? Or drama I created in my head? A thought to challenge.

For the most part, I can’t stay angry at someone if I tried. But before Stoicism, I stopped speaking to a few people rather than have an uncomfortable conversation.  

I wonder now what would have happened if I’d had the courage to talk to them. If I’d gotten curious about their intentions instead of believing they betrayed me. 

Be grateful for what you can give

In my living room, I pick up a winter solstice card Joe left for me. 

In it, he tells me that after losing all his belongings, staying at my place felt therapeutic. 

When Joe was a kid, his mother’s boyfriend burned their house to the ground. Two other guys she dated ended up in prison for killing people. When I see a teen mom smoking a cigarette and pushing a pram, I imagine Joe’s life as a baby and my heart hurts. 

These days he lives off-grid in the woods, where he makes nettle tea in a home he’s slowly building himself. His floors are literally dirt so I forgive him for not noticing crumbs at my place.

And while Joe didn’t tidy the kitchen, turns out he washed my windows and made a few other home improvements. 

I put down the card. Feeling a second wind, I decide to stay up until bedtime. It’s for the best. Will help me get over my jet lag.

Later, when I wrap myself in my duvet and close my eyes, I’ll give thanks for the simple pleasure of having a roof over my head. More importantly, I’ll be grateful I could offer this comfort to a friend.

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